Thursday, August 5, 2010

LIFE IN TENNESSEE // At the Bottom of the Pile

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumors of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Things looks a little clearer this week. I decided to turn over a new leaf in August. I gave myself the month of June off to recuperate from full-time work and classes. Before I realized it, it was July 15. Oops. With August I returned to a self-imposed set schedule for work, chores, freelance, the right food, and working out. I decided I would write a blog entry once day, either on this blog or my other blog, The Traveling Auntie. I started on a list of projects that had to done.

And only three days into my new/old routine, I'm feeling more relaxed, more at home, more in control, more accomplished, more confident in what lies ahead. Even when I'm not sure what lies ahead. I'm actually excited about my life.

That feels really strange to admit.

It's not like I've been unhappy in my life or unexcited about what lies ahead. It's more like I haven't had the time to be excited about my life. I haven't had the chance to work on what lies beyond school. And I've been avoiding dealing with some tough things from this past year by keeping myself on the move.

But this week and last (while I was in Michigan) I've had the chance to tackle some of each. And in doing so, I discovered some hope. I've finally found some excitement about this next phase of my life. It's like the "whispers of the well-lit way" are getting a little louder and I can hear them clearer and they're replacing any "distraction buzzing in my head" telling me to hide. And that's exciting because for a long while now, I didn't search for excitement or hope for what lies ahead. Quite frankly, I just got up every morning and devoted long days to work and homework because it needed to be done. And now I'm feeling more confident: more confident in getting through this funky time and more confident in what's going to happen next.

I've been reading Our Second Birth by Henri Nouwen, which has been really helpful - seeing how time away, time to process, time to think and pray and write really matters and really helps. Now I'm making time to think and process and pray because I need some hope and excitement, I need to discover my passions again and not just go through the motions, I need to hear what the Spirit says.

I'm still processing the low points, my points of weakness from 2009 and 2010, places where it seems the world fell out from underneath me by either external circumstances or internal choices, times of fear or panic, but the reminder of recent days is that I'm still standing. I'm still found in God. I'm in the right place. I'm in a good place. It's not an easy place but that's probably because I allowed stuff to pile up. So now it's time to find my way out from the bottom of the pile.

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